Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Feeling Bad

hmmm..............
feeling bad for doing things which some are unable to do
feeling bad for buying things which some can't afford to
feeling bad for taking things which we don't own it
feeling bad for owning things which we don't deserve to
hmmm.....sigh...................hmmm....
feeling bad to let people down
feeling bad for making people misunderstood me
feeling bad for not allowing people to understand the real situation
feeling bad for unable to put things right
hmmm......sigh........sigh.....sigh......hmmmm....
its so hard at times to let people understand the real situation that is happening...but i gues its the normal human habit and nature, to just see things in one dimension and ignoring the other dimension(s) when in fact, the other dimension(s) is what make a difference overall..(sounds complicated ha?...hehe).....well, its sometimes pretty bad when people are just expecting something out of you, or expecting you to do something, but somehow due to some obligations or constraints, you are just unable to go with the flow....and to make matters worse, when they would just not understand your situation and simply made up a conclusion(which they make it all up in their favour).....haiah...life life life....guess that's just a bad episode in life...........

Friday, April 17, 2009

My Triduum

Its been almost a week since Easter Sunday....well...it was an indeed whole different experience for me this year...a more meaningful triduum i shall say....i had my own experience of 'the' triduum...

Good Friday this year would be a memorable one for me...a day when everything just finished or just ended....we are always reminded on how Jesus' loses his life through the crucifix, the same way, i was also reminded of the ends of my undergraduate studies by losing something important to me as well.... the pain was definitely there, the memories of it...just as how Jesus endured his pain, i was motivated to do the same (sounds superficial? well, thats how i really felt..).the pain was unbearable at first..weeping, questioning, recalling back..but somehow it all 'vanished' right after the service....this made me believe (sorry, to say this) and strongly believe, that when Jesus' died, he realy saved us all...He came so that we may lived, He died to save us all, He died with all our sins and sorrows as well...and indeed, He did just that...I admit now that i was on the verge of weeping a couple of times during the service, thinking of what had happened earlier, but somehow, after the service, i felt at peace...no more hurt, no more anguish, no more pain...just a peaceful and relieved heart....He really heals....

His resurrection was truly a sign of hope. Rising up from the dead indicated that He is truly our one and only hope. Death was, to anyone of us, the end of life...but to Jesus, that was just the beginning...and i really believe in that...I was feeling so hopeless on Good Friday, but somehow, i was looking forward to Easter because i know that there is hope..hope in the world..hope for everything and anything as long as we believe in it...

Hence, this year triduum was indeed a more meningful and memorable one...i truly experience the real meaning of the triduum....as my dad put it, "this is your cross to bear on Good Friday"...and indeed...i carried my cross with courage and faith, that He is always there no matter what...He is our hope and i trust in Him...Alleluia! He is risen

Friday, April 10, 2009

Hip Hip HOOOOORAAYYYY!!!!

YAY...im finally back into the blogging world....what kept me away for so long, some may ask..well i was busy with my final year project, and now i am proud to announce that it is DONE! i finally handed it up today....WOOHOO!!! YIPPEE!! HIP HIP HOORAY! Hip Hip Hooray! hiP hiP HOOOORAY!!! hahaaha....can feel the happiness and sense of relief?? well, pictures say it all...

YAY!! the final product!



Not that thick la..hehe..ok ok lah...

Boo....I can see you! hahaha

Creepy ah? hahaha...small little finger there...failed attempt la...aiks

Proud owner of the little blue book! Gleaming with joy =)

WOW! what a relief! One whole year of hard work, sweat, tears, joy, laughter, fun, stress, tension, pressure, etc etc...so many things that happened during the whole period...but, its all worth it la....though kena marah here n there so many times, kena tangkap a few times, kena kutuk sometimes...hahaha....sounds so kesian like that, but those were the things that make life much more interesting and worth learning. As the saying goes, everyday is a learning process (hmm...sounds weird la, i got the phrase right onot ah? hahaha)....hehe..those unlucky episodes were just plain unlucky lah..or maybe they just happened for a reason....though it is sad to think of those episodes, however, looking back, i can now laugh at it....hahaha...how we felt at that moment, the anguish, the anger, the frustration, the anxiety, the 'unworthiness'...wow...it is truly a priceless journey...

but to come to think of it, if those things didnt happen, will there be any difference to the present situation? will life be just like it is now? hmm....i seriously did learnt alot during the whole duration of my final year project...not just in terms of studies, acquiring new knowledge and skills, but i learnt alot about myself too, and the people around me...it allowed me to know who i am better, examining the real me in me (ooo..cool phrase...haha self praise)...i grew with it, i learnt alot in terms of values and principles....life is just so colourful and worth exploring if you have the right brushes to paint them...(wah...what's with me la....so many lines and phrases just pouring out...lolx)

thesis in an indirect way also got me looking forward towards the Holy Week...one main reason, hahaha....is that i get to hand in my thesis on Good Friday itself...so meant that i can enjoy my Easter fully! woo hoo...easter eggs!!! hahaha.....well, on the other hand, i can say and admit that this is the first time i am really eager and anticipating the 'arrival' of the Holy Week, which started last week with the Palm Sunday...where i went to "take" palms from places which i wasnt supposed to...lolz....

But, i think the reason was that i felt very much connected to Jesus at this point in time... the whole experience i had with all kinds of feelings and emotions accompanying it, was just as what He experienced...that got me thinking alot as the during the whole period of my project, i was at times on the verge of quitting, due to the accumulative stress, pressure and tension surrounding me...it was eating me inside out and often at times, i was questioning myself and asking why in the first place did i chose to be what i am today....it was really a test for me, i shall say..a real test which often i myself doubt if i ever able to pull through it..

when i was watching the Passion of Christ the other day...it really made got me to realize..all the pain and struggles that i had to put up, was so little compared to what Jesus had to go through...all the sufferings, the beatings from the soldiers, the scourging at the pillar, the long walk to Golgotha...but yet, He willingly accept it without much complains....His journey was far far more further than how far we have to walk everyday, His pain was far far more painful than all the headaches and heartaches that we have due to stress, His wounds were much much more deeper than the hurt we felt inflicted by others towards us...but yet, His willingness to accept this as the will of the Father was just so inspiring..how many of us were willing to accept all these so easily? And often when we were in difficult situations, we question Him : why me, God?....but have we ever realized that what we go through was just so minor than to what He has to go through just to save us, worthless and sinful wretch.....

and now, at this very hour, "the Hour" is here...its just a few hours before He goes through all the pain, sufferings, hurts, spittles, slaps, beatings and whippings...gosh...im wondering what does He actually feels and thinks at these very last few hours of His life...My Lord and My God, I shall walk with you through your last final hours just as how You have always walk with me...Your strength and faith kept me going each day and for sure, that was what that kept You moving on as well...Let us never lose that faith in You...=)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Back after a long break........

wow wow wow....2 months since i last blogged....what a long time ago...hahaha..but then, time flies so quick that you wouldnt even have the time to sit and realized what is gone, or what is happening, or even worrying of what is to come.......

hmm....2 months duration.....many things happened, many things ended, many things started as well....will blog bout it soon...hehe...when the 'spirit-of-blogging' comes back into me...lolz

all in all....life so far has been kind to me, i supposed...though its normal to be pressurized with studies..but i hope to be able to pull through for these 2 months remaining before i finally gain my 'freedom'......

Friday, January 23, 2009

Not easy

Mixed feelings...that's how i have been feeling lately..things came and go...causing perturbation to the mind...confusion, distraction, unsure of what to do...or even worse, dont know how to feel; dont know how to even portray the right emotions..(hahaha this brings back memories of what i learnt in my personality class....) things have been happening around me, thankfully, not directly to me lah...but somehow, indirectly, it affected me to a certain extend as well

Some of my friends were in trouble lately, big trouble i shall say...i feel so bad for them, but somehow i just can't help much, because there is nothing much that i can help to solve it....all i can do is just to lend my ear to them, to be a platform for them to let things out of their shell...because speaking from experience, it is certainly very hard to just keep everything to oneself...slowly it will cause the body and mind to rot...hehe...too exaggerating pulak...hahahahaha..

anyhow, it was a lesson not just for my friends, but i also learnt from all that has happened and is happening. i've learnt that it is important to understand people, to learn to be in their shoes..because we may not understand how they feel unless we are experiencing the similar thing..humans always have a bad habit to jump into conclusion, making assumptions and false accusations just because we don't really know the truth...it is very important to learn to listen to other people, learn of the whole situation from either parties before making any conclusion...we have to try and think and feel like them in order to fully understand what they are in...no point just listening just for the sake of listening or sengaja wana 'kepoh' about people's problems...

it is not easy for a person to willing to open up to other people, of their emotions, problems or feelings towards something..not easy to find someone who we can totally trust to tell everything to them...not easy to just spill out every detail of our lives to someone,no matter how close that person is to you...it is certainly not easy.....its even harder to find someone who is willing to listen to you, to understand how you really feel, to be willing to help you out of your problems....however, i know only one person who is above all this criteria...He is the one and only person who totally understands us..He is the one who is willing to listen if only we are willing to tell it out...He is the one who is always there whenever we are in difficult situations...He is the one! Trust in Him and He will do the rest =)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Surrender

The past few days and weeks have been crazy....im not exaggerating, but it was really crazy..if not for my spinal cords, i would have just drop down anytime and anywhere.......it was full of running around, settling this, settling that, making sure things are alright...phew....i was at a dead end...but thankfully, i am happy to say that i am now still able to stand up till this very day, because all i did was to surrender everything to Him...and indeed He works in mysterious ways..

i was so frustrated and disapointed with everything that was taking place..everything...from the people(s) itself down to the nitty-critty work that i was doing.... I was even at a point of just running away, escaping from everything that is happening and run off to a place all alone..i really wanted a break and a vacation from everything...things have been coming and coming, never going and going.it was really a difficult, tough and pressuring situation....phew...what a life! but thankfully, i managed to get through all this by totally surrendering all to Him. i had no one else to turn to but Him alone, He knows what is best and i certainly trusted Him...and thankfully, slowly things got settled. one at a time...things were falling into places, problems were solved, all the efforts of running aroung were worthwhile...praise the Lord!

things really worked out when we trust in Him, when we are totally sincere of what we ask, we will surely received it from Him. never ever doubt His presence because He is always there no matter what happens, through thick or thin, through troubles and pain, He will never leave us..trust in Him and He will do the rest. Alleluia!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

W.A.I.T.

That's what we just love doing....to wait...wait for what? no one really knows the answer...that's what we always do...we wait and wait; wait for a person to take charge, wait for a person to step up and take responsibility, wait for a person to do all the work, wait wait and more waiting........ why the heck must we just wait? can't we just step up and take hold of whatever we were suppose to do..no need to wait for orders, wait for instructions, wait till the time is right (which no one knows when..just a lame excuse).....we can wait for things, but do we ever wonder : "does time wait for us?" sorry man, time doesn't wait for anybody nor anything....you can wait your whole life for something, in the end you will just end up like the picture above; all 'wrinkly' and 'boney'...and what to do when that happens? we still wait, but this time, we wait for our death....see, our whole lives revolve around these four letters :

WAIT

when will we ever stop waiting?

If we were to just stop waiting, take up the responsibility and moved on, life would definitely be so much easier and happier...if only it is..........