Strive to be happy

Happy New Year! hoping for a happy year indeed.... isn't that the ultimate aim at the end of  the day for everyone?

Well, that is what i truly believe in, that is no matter what I choose to do, or be involved in, the most important thing is that I am happy at the end of the day. but then...I am starting to contradict my believes.

Funny, how it seem that I am so accustomed to helping and guiding people that I often disregard my own feelings, precisely my happiness. I am always putting others' needs before my own, and hence the tendency of wanting to help, but denying my own feelings behind it all.

This has been playing in my mind for long, very very long, been months,...maybe the long duration was that I am unable to tell it to anyone because no one I know who is able to understand such situation..and it may appear to them that I overthink at times for having such thoughts, but then again, how hard I try to deny or distract from it, these thoughts keep coming back, haunting at times...

Having realize these hauntings are already signals to me that I should not put this on hold any longer than what I have been doing, it is a sign that denying it is not the right thing to do. the constant reminder that I need to see to it and not just let it be and let nature takes it course. my friends, know this, nature will NOT take its course by magic! You will somehow need to lead and only then allow things to happen naturally. I often come across people just letting things go like that and pray that nature takes its course. Know that you still need to act your part, do your best on your part until you have reach the stage where you can't do anything further anymore...then you let go to the rules of nature to work things out for you.

It has been a major contemplation, I shall say, and finally decided to talk to someone about it. The outcome was encouraging, but it also left me thinking. That I have to finally start saying NO and put myself in consideration for once, if not what I have been doing and is doing, serves no meaning anymore.. this is indeed true, but it is very difficult to stop just like that, all because people are so accustomed to me helping that it becomes a dependency on me...and this i know is not right.

The more I think about it, the more i dread about it. thus, again, an indication that I should do something about it...but what? I've went through that path before and the outcome was just very very unfavourable and it left me really shattered and hard to accept, and caused me to continue just doing this with a heavy heart...which in fact, is not very healthy to me..

I think, with this new year, I must start to aim to be happy. not just about helping helping and helping, but deep within I suffer or struggle, but to be happy of what I am doing. Life is too short to always put others before me, I have to start to be selfish enough to think of my own happiness. Not aiming for appreciation nor acknowledgement, but happiness and peace within. Until then will I be able to say I made it.

So help me God. Amen.